Autumn Time Changes

Well Autumn has arrived in my neck of the woods and I am loving it. It is by far my favorite season. With the Fall breeze, the changing leaves, and the hustle and bustle of life  sets in.

It’s been a great while since I have posted last, as I have allowed life to get in the way and my time management skills. I have lacked slotting in time to focus on writing that isn’t part of my scholarly work. Graduate school is going well thus-far and my biggest obstacle is making quiet time for me to truly focus on my work and put all that I know I am capable into it. I am four weeks in to a twelve week quarter though and so far, so good.

The children are growing up faster than I would like to admit. LM is nearly three and has hit the chaos that goes with that age frame. We have frequent episodes of dramatics, yelling, screaming, overwhelming (for us both) times and she is still being stubborn on potty use but is still working on it. On the flip side to the CRAZY threes (seriously twos have nothing on threes) she is making huge developmental strides. LM’s newest fascination is dressing herself, she loves to change a million times a day all by herself. It isn’t always right side in, or on just right but the concept is growing every day and I am very proud of that fact. She also is attending a play-school taught by a friend of mine twice a week. She is able to play with her friends and do some learning and activities, it has been fantastic for her and she absolutely LOVES it. Her conversational skills are also quite amusing – she is totally 2 1/2 going on 15.

MM is almost 8 months old, which is hard to believe. He has two bottom teeth and is working hard to get the top two to pop in as well. He crawls like a madman and regularly gets mad that he can’t walk like LM can. He wants to get around so badly and do everything. He is still quite the chunk and has a huge amount of personality. He also is still his daddy’s little clone.

I fill my days with child rearing, school work, and spending time with my best friend who is staying with me at the moment. My days are often overwhelming and I find myself needing to take more time to rest and reevaluate than I have in years past. I feel myself reflecting on things differently than I have at previous stages of my life.

As the Autumn air fills my lungs I remember the big things and the little things I must accomplish. I acknowledge the feelings I have for everything going on in my life right now and I center myself in the acceptance of my abilities and the focus of my mood. This journey we are embarking on will not be easy, but it is more than possible.


Letting Go

I have held onto a lot of things in my life and slowly it seems that reality is coming into a much clearer focus. Things that have become crystal clear to me this week.

  •  The people I really thought were always going to be there, that always used to tell me the truth, that I always thought cared, that I have always cared about, defended, and loved very much, have moved on and  could care less.
  • My ability to connect and interact with people apparently lacks, as people often stare at me when I communicate like I have multiple heads.
  • The small town/area that I live in will always view me as the 8 year old girl I was when I moved here, or based on things they have heard and never for who I really am.
  •  The people that truly have my back don’t live anywhere near me, and that sucks.
  • I have many things that I wish I could do differently in my life but I can’t so I have learned and continue to learn every day how to be a better person, I wish people could see that.
  • I am sick and tired of being judged based on how old I look and not who I am.
  • I do not see eye-to-eye with many people I thought I used to.
  • I am tired of being judged by my emotions (heaven forbid I have them), my weight, my age, my family …
  • These realizations are a little painful and saddening to me.

What do all these things mean? Are they all just bitching and moaning?

They mean that I have recognized and identified these things and that I am done. I am done trying so hard with people that don’t care anymore, I am done trying to force a relationship that apparently is gone, I am done babysitting people who can’t get their shit together, I am done doing what I think I should do and not what I want to do, I am done being the “nice guy”, I am done being made to feel badly about who I am, I. Am. Done. So if that is bitching in moaning, so be it.


So, here’s to moving on, to finding the new, to letting go…


Strength is more than how physically fit you are or are not. Strength is more than how you hold it together in stressful situations. Strength is more than your ability to take a harsh word or push through a rough time. Strength is hard. It takes determination, courage, perseverance, motivation, heart, and the willingness to stand up and make a change. A change to better yourself as a person, to better how you contribute to society, to increase your knowledge, to be the best person you can be and to share that with others, is strength. Strength in conviction, strength in understanding, strength in rising above. It comes in many forms but it is something that each and every one of us has and needs to use every day of our life.

9690c82abe06c249fe0d58d62390c850It takes more than courage to become who we want to be, it takes strength!


And push onward to a better future & a better YOU!