I Suck Because I

“can’t” is normally what follows that sentence, but not here, here it’s “I suck because I DON’T”

  • I Don’t keep up a daily routine.
  • I Don’t workout.
  • I Don’t have a strict schedule for my Toddler.
  • I Don’t plan my meals.
  • I Don’t have motivation.
  • I Don’t do a lot of things I should.

It’s not that I “Can’t” do these things; it’s that my motivation is in the toilet, why? I am going to say it, it might not be the popular view but for me it’s the truth, Motherhood made me lazy. Yup, that is right; being a mom has totally made me lazy.

Before babies, I busted out full time school and work, I was on the go 24/7, I was motivated and high speed. I constantly was accomplishing something and I felt good about it. I had time to relax if I wanted to and do my own thing. It worked for me. I like pressure. I work well under deadlines and pressure, quite the opposite from my wonderful husband.

Compared to my life pre-baby, my life post-baby is slow. And I am not used to slow.  Slow makes me bored and lazy, slow isn’t motivating. I don’t really know what to do with slow. Slow overwhelms me.  Now I know some people will say, “Oh just wait until you have more kids” but frankly I don’t have more kids, I have one, I grew up in a herd of children I get how it works, but it isn’t about waiting it’s about now. Or then there is the “Oh I would kill to feel like that” people which I find equally as ridiculous as the first one because when you have a brain that functions on overdrive and a life that doesn’t it is like being OCD and having everything off kilter. It is defeating.

I am hoping that once SCM returns home the pace will pick up again and I will be able to turn up the pace a little but when you are the only care giver to a toddler their limits are your limits which means running around all day for errands, activities, work, etc, isn’t an option. Their bed time is your home-bound time, even if that is 5:00pm while the sun is still shining. And sitting around having nothing pressing to do (or that I can do with LM being down) causes me to put everything off because it isn’t a “have to” It’s an “it would be nice if.” Or an “oh I should” and because of that I continue to sit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I understand it means sacrifices and a lifestyle change. I wouldn’t change staying home to raise LM, but after a year of being the one that holds down the fort at a pace that is not my ideal is certainly frustrating. It has really caused me to “let myself go.” I don’t read anymore, I don’t finish tasks like I should, or projects like I would like to, I don’t make the difference in certain areas of my life that I had hoped. I feel like all of my education has just fallen right out of my brain. And it bothers the hell out of me, and yet I just can’t get into a system to change it because everything is just sooooo slow. I have learned to adapt in many ways and learned to accept in many ways but finding a middle ground, finding a pressure for me, a deadline, activities, is something I need to sort out. I find myself leaving things to the last minute simply so I can rush to get them done and feel that pressure – how lame is that. (lol) The reality is, I am lazy now and while some of it is situational, most of it is me, and I need to find a way to alter how I function to adapt to how my life is now which is harder than it sounds. And sometimes getting it all out of my head is a good motivation for me to get off my arse.

So there is my jumbled mess of a blog post for the day. The Goal: To keep up and blog, at least a little bit every day, even if I don’t have much to say. I know there is more potential wrapped up in me and over the last 3 years it really has gotten lost. Spring/Summer is here though, and the sun is shining, SCM will be home soon (YAY) and while things will be nerve racking stability wise when he returns, we are going to make it work and I am going to get out of my own head.  Here’s to DOING instead of accepting and figuring out how to function in this new slow environment, the right way.

Sunny Day Me

16 Month old Little Miss!

2 thoughts on “I Suck Because I

  1. It is definitely difficult to adjust to Stay-at-home-momhood. But, you have to make a plan. You are right in that you one child and that simple is not as much work as other mothers have. Especially, since you have lots of experience with children and you had less to adjust to becoming a mother. That said, pull yourself together, lady! (tongue in cheek. I know it can’t be that bad). 1.) It sounds like you need to join a reading group of like minded women to help motivate you to read more. 2.) Join a gym. I love the community and motivation that a gym provides. Also, they have childcare, so I get a break from the kids. 3.) Join a play group to meet other moms and feel more mommy motivated. Or join MOPS 4.) Lastly, I think this is an opportunity for you to be a leader in your community. You could organize functions pertaining to your skill set or interests. I joined a Catholic Moms Group here and we do spiritual book studies. I lead the yearly retreat. We have play dates and Moms’ Night Out. I think you could do something similar. Also when I had less children and we weren’t schooling I planned an outing for every morning, came home for lunch, naps, play outside, make dinner then bed routine and stories. Just having a morning outing made our days skip along. It takes practice and planning to have a routine and it really does help in discipline of both self and child. I know being alone, being a single parent all the time does not lend itself to routine. But, I think if you were routinely social with other moms during the day, you would feel better about it all. And obviously, don’t forget to pray throughout the day. In fact, start there. Say, I have to be up at a certain time, because I schedule myself to pray morning prayers at 6 a.m. Naomi has to be down for nap at noon because that is when I am going to read the daily readings. Best wishes to you.

    • Thanks Renee. This area doesn’t lend itself to a lot of the openings that larger areas like Tx do. There aren’t really any reading groups around here. I know of only one but there are members of it that are not people I care to surround myself with. With SCM still being gone I woiuldn’t have a place for LM anyway, perhaps when he comes home branching into things like that that are perhaps a little out of the area will be an option but currently it isn’t. As much as I wish gym was an option currently financially it just isn’t and the ones around here there is only one with child care local and it’s spendy. I workout on my own, just not consistently and we have daily outings and now that the weather is nice we play in the sandbox and pool as much as we can. I am in a moms group and we get together every week but it is a very small group. The gals I connect with, some have moved away, and many have other children and our schedules don’t quite match up, or they are out of the area (north side). I admit I don’t keep up a continual contact as often as I should, not because I don’t like them, or enjoy their company but simply because I become absent minded in regards to it.I do function with my business and go out every Monday to my Rally meetings, the pressure from my work though small is a nice addition to things and in the time since SCM has been gone I started working for myself and became a Manager within the company, and I am proud of that, I tidy my house every day and play and work with LM, we cook and spend time with Grandma & Grandpa.

      It isn’t that we don’t do things specifically, it’s that it just isn’t and won’t ever be at a fulfillment pace that I thrive the most off of. I love being a mother but it isn’t a challenge to me, it’s a way of life, it, in the deepest essence is a routine. It’s a routine I can do well at or I can not. I would like to think I am doing well at it but I don’t feel the need to bombard my child with a multitude of activities to keep her entertained either. She is a very large independent functioner a lot like me, so it’s very easy for us to get bored with one another. With the weather getting better though, it will provide more time for us all to be in our element and with Daddy coming home soon the general flow will get better because we will have a Type B to balance out a feminine household of A’s and onlys.

      I am realizing that my brain just works differently I suppose; than a lot of people that I know; I am always looking and thriving for more but I hold back or “dumb myself down” in doing it because of a set of flawed rationale I was once indoctrinated with- that you can’t do it all. And I think in voicing everything I am realizing just how flawed that train of thought is and how much doing it for so long has sort-a put me in a funk. Enlightening. Thanks for helping me get out of my head. 😀

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