“can’t” is normally what follows that sentence, but not here, here it’s “I suck because I DON’T”
- I Don’t keep up a daily routine.
- I Don’t workout.
- I Don’t have a strict schedule for my Toddler.
- I Don’t plan my meals.
- I Don’t have motivation.
- I Don’t do a lot of things I should.
It’s not that I “Can’t” do these things; it’s that my motivation is in the toilet, why? I am going to say it, it might not be the popular view but for me it’s the truth, Motherhood made me lazy. Yup, that is right; being a mom has totally made me lazy.
Before babies, I busted out full time school and work, I was on the go 24/7, I was motivated and high speed. I constantly was accomplishing something and I felt good about it. I had time to relax if I wanted to and do my own thing. It worked for me. I like pressure. I work well under deadlines and pressure, quite the opposite from my wonderful husband.
Compared to my life pre-baby, my life post-baby is slow. And I am not used to slow. Slow makes me bored and lazy, slow isn’t motivating. I don’t really know what to do with slow. Slow overwhelms me. Now I know some people will say, “Oh just wait until you have more kids” but frankly I don’t have more kids, I have one, I grew up in a herd of children I get how it works, but it isn’t about waiting it’s about now. Or then there is the “Oh I would kill to feel like that” people which I find equally as ridiculous as the first one because when you have a brain that functions on overdrive and a life that doesn’t it is like being OCD and having everything off kilter. It is defeating.
I am hoping that once SCM returns home the pace will pick up again and I will be able to turn up the pace a little but when you are the only care giver to a toddler their limits are your limits which means running around all day for errands, activities, work, etc, isn’t an option. Their bed time is your home-bound time, even if that is 5:00pm while the sun is still shining. And sitting around having nothing pressing to do (or that I can do with LM being down) causes me to put everything off because it isn’t a “have to” It’s an “it would be nice if.” Or an “oh I should” and because of that I continue to sit.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I understand it means sacrifices and a lifestyle change. I wouldn’t change staying home to raise LM, but after a year of being the one that holds down the fort at a pace that is not my ideal is certainly frustrating. It has really caused me to “let myself go.” I don’t read anymore, I don’t finish tasks like I should, or projects like I would like to, I don’t make the difference in certain areas of my life that I had hoped. I feel like all of my education has just fallen right out of my brain. And it bothers the hell out of me, and yet I just can’t get into a system to change it because everything is just sooooo slow. I have learned to adapt in many ways and learned to accept in many ways but finding a middle ground, finding a pressure for me, a deadline, activities, is something I need to sort out. I find myself leaving things to the last minute simply so I can rush to get them done and feel that pressure – how lame is that. (lol) The reality is, I am lazy now and while some of it is situational, most of it is me, and I need to find a way to alter how I function to adapt to how my life is now which is harder than it sounds. And sometimes getting it all out of my head is a good motivation for me to get off my arse.
So there is my jumbled mess of a blog post for the day. The Goal: To keep up and blog, at least a little bit every day, even if I don’t have much to say. I know there is more potential wrapped up in me and over the last 3 years it really has gotten lost. Spring/Summer is here though, and the sun is shining, SCM will be home soon (YAY) and while things will be nerve racking stability wise when he returns, we are going to make it work and I am going to get out of my own head. Here’s to DOING instead of accepting and figuring out how to function in this new slow environment, the right way.