LM LOVES her bathes. They make her giggle and smile. She loves playing with her toys and we have a routine. When she has a bath I hop in with her and when we are done she goes to daddy who dries her off and gets her set for bed.
Last night however Daddy was away like he about to be for much longer than just the weekend. As we were finishing up the bath I said
“Ready to get out. All done!”
She babbled back “da-ee da-ee” happily. (Da-ee = daddy)
We hopped out and I began drying her off. Not only did she roll away from me as fast as possible she screamed and I mean SCREAMED for her daddy. For fifteen minutes she shrieked like she was in so much pain exclaiming “da-ee , da-ee, da-ee” and clawing to get away from me.
It was those fifteen minutes I spent trying to comfort her but crying right along side. It was heartbreaking. It was that moment that I felt like such a horrible mother. There was nothing I could do to make daddy be there, as much as I wanted to.
After she finally went down for the night I sat in bed and sobbed knowing that for the next year there will be these moments where she wants her daddy so badly and there will be nothing I can do about it but hold her and love her. It is utterly deflating to my parental self esteem, to my motherhood, to my confidence and to my strength.
I am very slowly coming to terms with handling that defeated emotion.
Daddy is home now for a few days – the final few days before “D” day. Seeing her daddy again this morning brought that special light into her face which made my whole day.
And it was then that I knew that for all the hard moments we have to come. All the moments of crying for daddy, worrying about daddy there will be moments like this. Moments of joy and love. Excitement and beauty. Happy moments, and it is my job that LM and I focus on those happy moments and strive to reach them every day. Those happy moments will be the memories we will cherish for the rest of our lives.
What hard events have prompted positive revelations in your life? If you have a SO that is in the service or gone often how do you handle those “missing daddy moments” those heartbreaking moments? What helps ease the pain of them?